my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
