my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Don't tell me you're on acid again
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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