I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
