Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
