yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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