saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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