Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
