Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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