My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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