I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Sober January is a disaster.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
