I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
