Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
