and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
