I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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