Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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