I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize