I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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