He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
wow bdsm is so cute
So apparently I’m into choking now
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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