He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
