I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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