put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
