Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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