he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I am naked and annoyed.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
