Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
