I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.