I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?