Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.