I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life