Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
