He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
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He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
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What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
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