I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
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