3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
