Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
