Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
