am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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