I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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