you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
