Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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