I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
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