You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
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she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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