Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
