M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
