How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
