You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
