Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard