I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
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My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
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Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.