So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
