just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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