She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
