this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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