Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
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