Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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