sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
