The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
