I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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