new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
