i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
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how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
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Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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