the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
