Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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