so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
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