i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
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