it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
