Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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