It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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